hashtagafreakingghost

[... RIGHT. Get along with John, history, hangups, and all. Fffuuck.]

YOU'LL BE FINE.

[If that's the case, then...]

Yes, exactly like that. Something to do with my time instead of be in my head.

I don't really like the idea of everything being a test, though. Feels kind of cheap.

[She doesn't know just what it says about her.]

Hopefully. Probably.

Do you think talking out your hesitations with him will help? For you, I mean.

FUCK I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.
WE TALKED ABOUT IT A LITTLE? BUT I'M NOT SURE HE EVEN UNDERSTANDS WHAT I WAS SAYING AT THE TIME, AND IF I BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN, HE'D PROBABLY THINK I WAS STILL INTERESTED.

Edited (icon) 2016-04-06 04:05 (UTC)

[wait fuCK WHY EVERY SINGLE TIME]

Edited 2016-04-06 04:04 (UTC)

FORGET YOU EVER READ THAT. JUST. FUCK. GODDAMMIT, I WAS SIX SWEEPS OLD, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.

You think so, huh? ...There are some who say that the circumstances that are beyond your control and the way you react to those are what define you as a person. But like I said, I'm the type who wants to take control of my life with my own two hands. So the idea of that being the case is what feels more cheap to me. The fact that life can throw you curveballs and something beyond your control can make or break you as a person...that's something I can't stand.

So I say it's a test of your character because after something like that, you basically have two options, don't you? Either you stick to your guns or you change your way of thinking. Not that adaptation is necessarily a bad thing, but, there's a difference between adjusting to new circumstances and changing your attitude completely, isn't there?

If I were to say that I enjoyed being here...well, that just wouldn't be like me.

[#Realization]

Ohhhh I understand what's going on here! Why didn't you just say you had a weird black crush on him that made things awkward?

Ah stupid question, right, no. Old crushes are THE WORST to talk about with anyone.

YES. VERY STUPID QUESTION. EXTREMELY STUPID QUESTION. SO REVOLTINGLY STUPID I'M PUKING UP MY VITAL ORGANS QUESTION
FUCK IT WAS SO HUMILIATING AT THE TIME, I DIDN'T EVER WANT TO BRING IT UP WITH HIM AGAIN. HENCE, WELL
TROLLING HIM BACKWARD

IT'S ACTUALLY
NOT THAT BAD TALKING ABOUT IT WITH YOU. AT LEAST SO FAR
MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL THE ONLY PERSON I'VE MET WHO SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT ROMANCE.

Edited (reasons) 2016-04-06 07:41 (UTC)

I suppose I understand what you're saying. Calling it a test seems just far too cruel to me.

But
Changing.
Would that mean there's more than just two choices then?

You can change in so many ways. It's not just one thing or another. It's all one thing that leads to this or that, one after another. There are so many little choices that you make every day that slowly change you or not. You said yourself, there's adapting and outright becoming something entirely different.

It's like when your life is in danger. There's not just you fight back or you do nothing. How you fight back or react matters too. What I choose to do versus what someone else chooses.

That maybe

That might be why I don't like to think of situations where life throws things unexpected at you as a test. Not even one of character. There's no way anyone would turn out the same. No way to get "graded" so to speak. Just a whole variety of life revealing different shades of yourself, even the parts you're too afraid to see or even acknowledge.

I don't mean to be preachy or anything of course. That's just how I see it.

[Karkat you're gonna embarrass her]

I just
I try my best.

It won't change anything with him but you can vent to me if you want?? I've had um embarrassing crushes before but since you haven't seen him in so long well
I can only imagine how tough it is for you to sort out. Especially if HE KNOWS a little about it. :/

Huh. No, I don't see it as preachy at all; that perspective makes sense, actually. It's like a flowchart, or a web. One decision has two outcomes, and from those two outcomes there are another two outcomes each...if you take them as individual situations, you can see it as two choices, but looking at it on the whole, it's a network that leads up to those situations, right? ...Sounds like a domino effect. Flap of a seagull's wings creates changes in the atmosphere, those changes end up altering the path of a tornado...looking at the big picture vs seeing the city for the skyscrapers.

That said...I suppose there being a "pass/fail" criteria when it comes to unexpected/uncontrollable circumstances might be a bit harsh on my part, but, that's probably because situations like that tend to be so high-stakes in my line of work. I'll consider that, though; that's an intelligent way of thinking about it. Color me impressed.

um
actually I'm hiding in the bathroom right now.
I think it's still watching tv though so I'll check

HA! I ONLY WISH IT WAS A LITTLE.
I WASN'T SUBTLE WITH HIM AT ALL. AND HE KNEW ABOUT QUADRANTS FROM FUTURE CONVERSATIONS I'D HAD WITH HIM
SO HE FIGURED IT OUT PARTWAY THROUGH ME SPEWING MY STUPID FEELINGS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND, WELL
JOHN'S "NOT A HOMOSEXUAL" AND LIKE I DISCOVERED A BETTER PERSON AND FRIEND THAN I THOUGHT WHEN VIEWING HIS TIMELINE.
I RECOGNIZE NOW THAT I GOT TOO CAUGHT UP IN IMAGINING HIM AS MY KISMESIS BECAUSE HE WAS THE LEADER OF THE HUMAN SESSION, WHICH HAD JUST FUCKED OVER ALL OF US IRREVOCABLY
SO OBVIOUSLY AS THE LEADER OF THE OPPOSING TEAM
GOD THIS IS STILL SO EMBARRASSING. I BARELY EVEN FUCKING KNEW HIM AND I WAS VERBALLY THROWING MYSELF AT HIM THE FIRST CHANCE I GOT, WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT.

Exactly like that. Shades of grey tied in with that concept. I know it as the Butterfly Effect, actually. One little thing could alter the course of the future unspeakably. And since there are so many little things, it's hard to have a cohesive or coherent grading system.

I can't really take credit for any of it. My best friend's the one who's really into that way of thinking, so I guess I've just soaked it up.

What??
Rakka you're hiding from it???
Oh no did you just catch it so it would stop bothering me?

[And it's not even the same one.]

Oh jeez
Well

It was a rough time right?? With your
session being all screwed up and

Yeah that's kinda bad
But
if you just tell him you aren't interested anymore right upfront, it'll start making things better right??

Edited 2016-04-07 04:16 (UTC)

[... What was that line break for. Eh, probably not important.]

I WAS FURIOUS AND LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO BLAME. I GUESS IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN.
I'VE TOLD HIM THAT YEAH. IT'S JUST, I DON'T KNOW. AWKWARD.
AND THEN THERE'S THE FACT THAT DAVE'S MY MOIRAIL NOW, BUT HE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT SO IT'S PROBABLY FINE? I MEAN, NEITHER OF THEM HAVE. I GUESS IT'LL COME UP EVENTUALLY.

uh
yeah
That was the plan I came up with

[She messed up a bit on that one. whoooops]]

[for nothing, Karkat, nothing at all]

John's not the kind of guy to get quadrants is he? If these are his feelings about HUMAN romance then

Ugh. You and Dave should talk about that, alright? Share it with him before he finds out one way or another, or else it'll probably get weird.

Rakka
thank you for attempting this at least

[we're all winners here]

LIKE I SAID, HE JUST TALKED ABOUT HIS STUPID HUMAN MOVIES THE WHOLE TIME.
I DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO RE-EXPLAIN MOIRALLEGIANCE TO HIM WHEN

[asdgdjlalkdj nope, try again.]

WHEN SOME SHIT HAPPENED. DON'T ASK. SO I'M NOT SURE HOW HE'LL TAKE IT NOW.
WE'LL WORK IT OUT, DON'T WORRY.

[When whaoh oh god it's probably that whole thing with Gamzee that she is never to talk about with him right just moving right along-]

I'm pulling for you guys. I may not be fond of him right now but if he's as good a guy as you say, then he should be supportive I hope.

JADE WILL SET HIM STRAIGHT IF IT COMES TO THAT. I'M STILL NOT SURE HOW THE FUCK "SIBLINGS" ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK, BUT SHE'S GOOD AT KEEPING PEOPLE IN LINE ANYWAY. SO IT SHOULD BE FINE.

;IC CONTACT

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