hashtagafreakingghost

That's a pretty good guess, actually. And it's true, they do have a lot to do with it. But the reason's a bit more complex than that. It's difficult to explain, and you'll probably think it's just science fiction or something stupid, but if you choose to believe me, here's the deal:

For some reason, only 14-year-olds are able to harmonize properly with the Evangelion units. And one day, I was selected to test a new unit, Unit-03. Unfortunately, the unit was contaminated by an Angel, and the entire mecha was infected and essentially controlled by the Angel, with me inside of it.

No one really knows how the Eva units work, but there's a part of them called a core, which is essentially where the vital point, the heart of the Eva is. Angels have them too, actually. The core is basically the primary power organ of the unit: break the core, and the whole thing shuts down. Now, I was in the cockpit of the Eva at the time: when the unit was taken over by the Angel, it assimilated me into its core, which did...something to me, biologically. When that happened, two things changed about my body.

The first is that I'm contaminated by the Angel. I have traces of Angel DNA in my body, and no one quite knows if that's negatively affecting me or what, because I'm the only person in the world who has ever had this happen to them. So that's special.

The second is something the Eva did to me. When I reached that level in the core, the Eva also changed me on a biological level, and somehow changed my body to keep it in a state where I'm permanently fit to pilot.

...Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with that. Piloting is what I do best, after all.

[GIVE HER A FEW MORE MOMENTS JESUS CHRIST??]

Oh my god.

I can't find a lot more to say oh my GOD.
Of course I believe you what reason would you have to lie about something like this?? And usually reality is stranger than fiction anyway I

That's all so much to have gone through.

Yes, it was something else. After Unit-03 was destroyed, with me inside of it, I was comatose for quite some time. When I woke up, it was the middle of another apocalyptic event, so that was...a bit of a shell-shock, naturally. But that's another story.

So, if you were wondering why I became a Captain at such a young age, you pretty much have your answer now. I found out at a very young age that I was going to pilot Unit-02. And I'm very proud to be its pilot, even now. But I entered the military when I was about 11, just so I could be as experienced as I could by the time I turned 14 and grew fit to pilot it. ...It was a pretty worthwhile experience, all things considered.

To be frank with you...I miss being in the cockpit of Unit-02. I miss it quite a lot, actually. ...It was something that only I could do, something I dedicated my life to. So to be without it is...well, I imagine it's as close to something like "pining" as someone like me could be.

Oh my god you were in a coma? Oh my GOD all of this

And you're just completely fine with all of this? The fighting and the monsters and the life devoted to this endless war?
Don't you get tired?
If you've been doing this for so long.

For a few months, yeah, I was out cold in quarantine, basically. But they had to take me out when HQ was under attack, so they stuck me in Unit-02 and put me at the bottom of a lake. Figured the inside of it would be the safest place for me. ...I can respect that opinion, to be honest.

As for being fine with it...I've never had anything else to exactly compare it to. I was born in a world with a bloodstained ocean. And right now, the entire planet is a bright red rock, hanging on by a thread, not fit for life but too stubborn to die.

And that's the place I'm fighting to protect, because I'm also too stubborn to die. But it's not a fight any of us can exactly win, at this stage of the game. I'm just trying to cut the losses as much as I can from here.

If you asked me whether or not I think we can do it, I couldn't tell you. But piloting is the reason I exist. I was born to fight in that scarlet mess. ...Either I keep fighting, or I lay down and die. Those are my options.

How awful.

[Unlike the previous texts, it's sent instantly.]

That hopeless situation it
I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry I don't know what else to say.
I

It must be so strange but
to get to experience something else outside that
I'm glad you get to

It's very, very strange for me. And to be honest, I'm not sure if I like it. You shouldn't apologize, though. It's not like you're responsible for any of it. If anything, I should be apologizing to you. Talking to people about it like this isn't my M.O.

But to be fair that's just because talking to people about anything isn't my M.O.

But then it's all bottled up inside you! And that's not good! Never!

I've learned recently that keeping all the bad things that have happened to you locked away does horrible, horrible things to you. Even if it's not me then you should talk to SOMEONE about it all.

Ashley. If living in the world I'm from has taught me anything, it's that you're all you have.

Letting someone in just opens the door for someone to get hurt. That's how I've lived my life. I've stood on my own two feet and my own two feet alone for as long as I can remember. That's not changing just because now I'm somewhere where shit isn't as bad, sorry to say.

[It makes her so sad... She barely knows this girl, but the whole situation makes her sad. There's no tie to her, no obligation. It could just be another story she sees on the news, but... But...]

Are you at least enjoying your time here away from all of it? Even a little?

...

If nothing else, I'll admit that Happiny is better company than I thought she would be. Some of the Pokemon are actually pretty cool in general, like Gyarados. ...And it's a bit nostalgic, walking through grass and seeing a flourishing earth that isn't a crimson deserted mess. Reminds me of my childhood, back before I found out I was selected to be a pilot.

[ Before she started seeing the world in hues of red. ]

It'd be a bit nicer, though, if I didn't have the constant feeling looming over my head of "there's something I need to be doing right now". I have an obligation to a place where I can't be right now. But there's nothing I can do about that, and it bothers me. Makes me feel powerless. ...I'm the sort of girl that enjoys the feeling of being in charge of her own destiny. So you can imagine the idea of being whisked away to a different world by some higher power doesn't sit very well with me.

I can understand that. The feelings behind it at least. My obligations are nowhere near like yours, and they aren't even something I feel I was ready to go back to but I still had many plans other than travel across a magical land.

But while I'm here I have to have something to devote my time to. So, training. Is that how it is for you too?

[That she's saying these things to her, even in text. It touches her. What's Ashley done to earn this, this confiding?]

[ ...Maybe she's just lonely after all. ]

Just something you can throw yourself into, right? That you can put your all into? Just competitive enough to make for a good way to keep yourself occupied?

Yeah. That's how I feel. As long as I'm stuck here, might as well just be the best fucking Pokemon trainer I can be. That's all.

Sometimes life has a way of throwing curveballs at us and expecting us to just roll with the punches. It's happened to me more often than I care to admit, actually. ...I guess it's to test your character.

[If that's the case, then...]

Yes, exactly like that. Something to do with my time instead of be in my head.

I don't really like the idea of everything being a test, though. Feels kind of cheap.

[She doesn't know just what it says about her.]

You think so, huh? ...There are some who say that the circumstances that are beyond your control and the way you react to those are what define you as a person. But like I said, I'm the type who wants to take control of my life with my own two hands. So the idea of that being the case is what feels more cheap to me. The fact that life can throw you curveballs and something beyond your control can make or break you as a person...that's something I can't stand.

So I say it's a test of your character because after something like that, you basically have two options, don't you? Either you stick to your guns or you change your way of thinking. Not that adaptation is necessarily a bad thing, but, there's a difference between adjusting to new circumstances and changing your attitude completely, isn't there?

If I were to say that I enjoyed being here...well, that just wouldn't be like me.

I suppose I understand what you're saying. Calling it a test seems just far too cruel to me.

But
Changing.
Would that mean there's more than just two choices then?

You can change in so many ways. It's not just one thing or another. It's all one thing that leads to this or that, one after another. There are so many little choices that you make every day that slowly change you or not. You said yourself, there's adapting and outright becoming something entirely different.

It's like when your life is in danger. There's not just you fight back or you do nothing. How you fight back or react matters too. What I choose to do versus what someone else chooses.

That maybe

That might be why I don't like to think of situations where life throws things unexpected at you as a test. Not even one of character. There's no way anyone would turn out the same. No way to get "graded" so to speak. Just a whole variety of life revealing different shades of yourself, even the parts you're too afraid to see or even acknowledge.

I don't mean to be preachy or anything of course. That's just how I see it.

Huh. No, I don't see it as preachy at all; that perspective makes sense, actually. It's like a flowchart, or a web. One decision has two outcomes, and from those two outcomes there are another two outcomes each...if you take them as individual situations, you can see it as two choices, but looking at it on the whole, it's a network that leads up to those situations, right? ...Sounds like a domino effect. Flap of a seagull's wings creates changes in the atmosphere, those changes end up altering the path of a tornado...looking at the big picture vs seeing the city for the skyscrapers.

That said...I suppose there being a "pass/fail" criteria when it comes to unexpected/uncontrollable circumstances might be a bit harsh on my part, but, that's probably because situations like that tend to be so high-stakes in my line of work. I'll consider that, though; that's an intelligent way of thinking about it. Color me impressed.

Exactly like that. Shades of grey tied in with that concept. I know it as the Butterfly Effect, actually. One little thing could alter the course of the future unspeakably. And since there are so many little things, it's hard to have a cohesive or coherent grading system.

I can't really take credit for any of it. My best friend's the one who's really into that way of thinking, so I guess I've just soaked it up.

Butterfly Effect...I'll keep that idea in mind. I'm intrigued. The idea of small changes being amplified over time is pretty basic, too: it's almost like a sniper rifle being fired at an angle, or something to that effect. Moving the gun a couple of centimeters might not mean much when you're looking at it from where you're sitting in position, but as your shot travels over a distance, the degree of the angle is magnified, and the bullet's trajectory can change dramatically over a couple of feet or even meters. Even the smallest possible deviation has a much more massive effect than you would consider at face value.

...At the same time, if there are so many minute little details that result in such huge changes in the timeline, predicting the future should be impossible, then, no? So many factors at work, can you even have a general idea?

Well that's kind of the point, isn't it? You can't predict the future, because every little thing can and probably will cause change. It means everything you do while you're alive matters.

Is that what you get out of that?

...Hm. Perhaps I'm too caught up on the past, then.

Edited 2016-04-08 07:17 (UTC)

I mean, it's natural to be. I am too. I think most people, honestly, are a little focused on the past. What they did and why, how it happened, the consequences.

[She pauses.]

But I'm always thinking about
Well about how you should be careful with your actions. That's what I mean by everything matters. It matters in other ways of course, every decision and choice you make is important.
But to me, I think it's proof that you should act with care.

Sometimes that means thinking about the past.

We're just a goldmine of wisdom tonight, aren't we...but I can see you being the type to be like that. Failing to plan is planning to fail, right? Wish the Major took on that philosophy a bit more often sometimes.

But on that note, isn't it a bit difficult to plan if you have all of these goddamn Butterfly-effect-variables and no clear way of discerning what's what, then?

Yes. I guess the way I go about it is less planning to do something and more planning NOT to.

I admit my way of thinking is probably very flawed. But it's not horrible, at least I don't think.

Certainly better than just letting whatever happens happen, that's for sure. If it works for you, it works for you.

Between you and me, I think everyone has moments like that. Where they wonder whether or not their way of tackling things is really working for them. I resolved myself to going through my life the way I do when I was just five years old. And I've had moments where I've started to second-guess myself, simply because, well, those unpredictable situations sprung up.

But at the end of the day, the one who knows what's best for you is you. I know what I should and shouldn't be doing. And I know what kind of feelings suit me and which ones don't. That's just the way it is.

;IC CONTACT

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