hashtagafreakingghost | Second 👻 Story [Anonymous Text]

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Second 👻 Story [Anonymous Text]

[For the past few days, all Ashley's done is try to figure out how to get the PokéConnect anonymous. It'd been an idea in the back of her mind for a week or so and then- well, it became an urge and now here she is.]

I need to ask for some advice.
This might also turn out to be a moral question, maybe? I'm playing by ear.

The scenario:
You take part in something careless and thoughtlessly cruel. A tragedy occurs. One that costs lives. You've accidentally hurt a dear, close friend.
That friend then methodically and maliciously plans and carries out revenge that inadvertently puts your life, the lives of your friends, and their own life in danger.
What the hell do you do?
Is it right to be pissed when it's your fault it all happened?
IS it really your fault?
What's worse, a horrible accident or a plot purposely designed to hurt others?
How would you try to move forward?
How would you try to forgive yourself?
Do you deserve to?

Consider this a moral quandary if you will. I'd just really like some advice. Some opinions.

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[This reminds Tsukiyama of another anonymous question he'd fielded quite some time ago. He knows now whose that was, of course, though it's nothing he's addressed with the person in question; it's not the sort of thing that should just be dragged out into the open like that and he knows it.

But the fact that he does know who posted the last one makes him rather certain that it isn't the same individual having a backslide; it also sends him anonymous again in response to it, because his answers are usually the sort of thing that shouldn't be dragged out into the open like that, either.]

I can't particularly give you the perspective you're asking for, but I can tell you as someone who's done terrible things in the past (some of them reckless, some of them calculated, all of them involving lives that probably weren't mine to take):

My decisions were my own. Technically, no one made me do anything - there was a good long time when I would have claimed that they did, but that's getting into implications that I don't particularly care for.

The revenge cycle is a complicated thing, and I won't claim that it isn't. The place I'm from is very fond of it; at the same time, we all acknowledge that our decision to take part in it is just that - our decision. We have the right to make that choice for ourselves, but we also have to accept the consequences of our own actions; namely, the right for others to participate as well and make us pay for whatever we've done.

So, to answer your questions:

- Yes, you have every right to be angry for whatever was done to you. Perhaps you took part in something that deserved retaliation, but you were hurt as a result, weren't you?
- No, it isn't your fault.
- Deliberate actions are always worse than accidents and I don't see why this is even a question.

Moving forward and forgiving yourself are things I can't answer for, however. Again, I'm usually the person who does terrible things to others. I don't feel guilt for anything I do, and so this isn't a problem for me.

_{[Here comes the most helpful message Ashley will probably ever receive.]}

i cant reed al those word so i got al fonz 2 reed 4 me

ur frend is bad u shud kil him

_{[Never mind Wrath can't be helpful to save his life.]}

[What a...philosophical message.
It doesn't answer the part she really needs help on, but sure, Ashley can accept this today.]

Your succinct and precise answers are appreciated. I have a few follow-up questions but this is the most important and pertinent to the original scenario.

You really don't think the one who threw the first stone as it is holds responsibility for the wrongs caused?

[fdjsaifewa
fdjsaifoewa
FDSAFEWAFEWFEWA]

I never wanted him dead! Don't say something like that!

[Maybe there was a moment, a chilling moment in there, but she just keeps thinking-
no.]

???

y not

So sorry to hear about what happened with your friend. But the fact that they would go so far to plan a huge revenge scheme after a careless accident that caused a tragedy is definitely terrible on their end no matter how you slice it...your intentions were good and theirs were malicious, even if putting your life in danger wasn't intended on their part! There's no getting around that. So of course you have every right to be upset with them for doing something like that! Regardless of how they felt after what you did, they're going out of their way to hurt you after an accident. And even if it caused something really bad, an accident is an accident!!! Far different from going out of your way to hurt someone, and far worse, in my opinion. Their decision to make that plan was theirs, no one forced them, so no, it's not your fault.

Before I answer the bit about you moving forward, I wanna know: what's your opinion of this friend now, even after they went out of your way to hurt you like that?? Do you think that maybe you guys can patch things up at some point?? Do you think at one point you'd eventually be able to forgive them for hurting you so badly?? They clearly weren't able to forgive you for that accident, and forgiveness has to go both ways, but, if you want to move forward with them, I'd suggest at some point talking the whole thing out and figuring out what you can do together as friends, especially if you were close before this whole thing?? I hope you can reach something with them somewhere down the line but that comes later of course!!!

I hope talking about this now helps at least a little. Just to get it off your chest and all?? I definitely HOPE that you can end up working something out and forgiving yourself, because I think that everyone deserves a second chance if they truly, sincerely want to better themselves and make up for their mistakes. That could just be me being naive and all but I really honestly do. You don't sound like a bad person. There's a big difference between making mistakes and being bad at your core, y'know?? Just because a decision you made had a bad consequence doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you made a bad decision, is all!! But it's not the end of the world!!! You can't forget about what happened and sweep it under the rug so to speak but you also can't dwell on it, you have to take positive steps, think about doing what you can to make the best present for yourself from here on out!!

I dunno I'm bad at advice so this came out as kinda word salad?? But I guess the most important thing is just being honest with yourself and taking care of yourself, realizing what you want and need. You've done something you regret and that's okay. Everyone makes mistakes, but they don't define you! It's learning from those mistakes that's the important thing!!! Don't let your past tie you down!!!! ♡

Edited 2016-02-29 08:15 (UTC)

You can ask me whatever you like. If I can't answer something, I'll tell you so, but overall I don't mind.

I'm not saying the one to cast the first stone is entirely blameless. Again, if you partake in cruelty, you invite it right back. But...let me see if I can put it another way.

If someone wronged you, can you see yourself plotting out revenge like that? Methodically and maliciously, as you said. Can you see yourself doing that? How about carrying it out?

ill level with you
i dont think this is the best way to get opinions
not on something like this anyway
but
while were here i will say
the fact youre even asking this in the first place says a lot to me
about the kind of person you are
to admit you screwed up bigtime
to experience guilt and remorse
i feel that
i really do

Because he was still one of my best friends.

I honestly don't know.
If they were a threat to my survival or had already threatened it in some way, perhaps.

Thank you for all of this, first of all.

I'm not sure what I feel about my friend. I wish I could punch him in the face, honestly. I'm hurt, because I thought I meant more to him. I'm angry, because he terrorized me so much. I'm sad, because I should have apologized properly.
I never apologized to him properly.
I don't know if we could have fixed things. The more days go by, the more I think maybe one day we could have.
But I can't now.
He's dead.

And I've misrepresented. My intentions weren't good. Those of us who caused that tragedy, we were being childish and cruel. It was an accident, but we were playing a prank on a friend. We should have known better.

You're being incredibly kind and thoughtful with all your words. Thank you. This is the sort of thing that has been haunting me and maybe this will result in some kind of catharsis.

I understand that this isn't the best way of receiving advice or especially therapy.
But it's difficult to speak about this with my name attached, especially with those who aren't intimately familiar with the incident that's occurred.
This is, therefore, the only option I could see.

Your response is the one that's puzzling me the most so far, though.
Couldn't it just mean that I'm trying to excuse myself for the things I've done?
What if I continue to make mistakes that cost lives?

??????

if ur best frend tryd 2 kill u

then wat do ur NOT best frends do

He DIDN'T try to kill me.
He just wanted to terrify me beyond all reason, something else tried to kill me, but it was exacerbated by all of that.
It's complicated.

[Man. It sure seems like the guilt and moral difficulties just keep going 'round, huh?]

Since it's gonna color my answers, you oughta know that I'm someone who's helped perpetrate something closer to the first part of your scenario than the second. Though it was less careless than misinformed, and less accidental than...again, misinformed.

It sounds like what you're doing, when you ask if it's all right to be pissed off when someone else hurts you, is taking responsibility for that person's shit. It's okay to feel guilt and remorse for the things you've done - it's damn human to - but revenge? That's not like throwing a ball into a wall and it bouncing back into your face, that's throwing a ball at someone else and them choosing to break your nose with it. What I'm saying is it's not the logical conclusion of your action. Your friend isn't a ball or a wall, they get to own their own responses to what happens.

So, no. However culpable you are in the first thing, you're not wrong to want to slug someone for doing you wrong. And if you are, you're not alone.

[Would he hit a guy with glasses? Ohhhh, would he ever hit a guy with glasses.]

Anyway. As to the rest, I think first you oughta think about what you're really asking.

What do you think forgiving yourself entails?

Oh my God I'm so sorry I didn't know that he passed away, that's

There are no words, sorry isn't enough but I'm sorry all the same.

[ And that her last memories of him are...that... ]

Even if it was a prank, I'm sure you didn't mean for it to go that far. It was probably something harmless that went really out of hand, but, you never meant to hurt anyone with it. I think that the sooner you come to terms with the fact that it was an accident the sooner you can forgive yourself.

When we were kids, I was playing with my sister one day, and I got into an accident and had a pretty bad head injury. And after that accident happened, our entire relationship changed, partly because my parents sort of separated us afterwards and partly because she was so wrapped up in being guilty over what happened that she thought she could never have, like, an actual relationship again. She totally blamed herself for it, even though it was just a mistake. Thought she didn't deserve my forgiveness. It took years before we were able to actually talk about it, because I actually didn't remember anything about it since, y'know, hit in the head. No one would tell me anything either, when I was young, like, one day she was there and the next she was just gone, in her room all the time. I didn't even know there was an accident until not too long ago, believe it or not.

But I wish she had told me so much sooner. If I'm totally honest, I don't know if she's completely forgiven herself yet for what happened, even though, y'know, I obviously forgive her completely because it was just an accident and we were so young...actually, no, she definitely hasn't forgiven herself yet.

[ She knows Elsa has nightmares about it, still, even, what is it? 15 years later? ]

But she definitely deserves forgiveness, and she deserves to be able to forgive herself. She knows I'm there for her. You have people there for you, too, I'm certain of it. Everyone who caused that prank, you're all carrying that weight together, so I hope that you all move forward as a group and help each other and yourselves. That'll make it easier, I'm sure! Stick together as friends and talk it out with one another. I'm sure that will help.

That 'friend' sounds like they were going to go off the deep end eventually no matter what you did. What they did isn't your fault, though. You couldn't have known what would happen, and while you did do something stupid, stupidity doesn't justify that kind of revenge plotting.

I think the plot is far, far worse than the accident. You're perfectly justified in being angry. I would be upset at that 'friend' too.

I think the only way to move forward from that kind of thing - and you absolutely shouldn't beat yourself up forever - is one step at a time. The fact that you're thinking of it so carefully is a point in your favor.

The past can't be changed, but the way you respond to it absolutely can.

[Maka is not anon on her end, not because she can't do it, but she simply doesn't see a reason to do it. She's not ashamed of talking about things like this openly and doesn't care if people can identify her.]

All right. Doubtless by now you've got people giving you their own thoughts and advice on this, so I'm not going to address it to avoid repeating anything anyone else has said. I've just got a question for you directly.

In your thinking about this incident and what led up to it, do you experience moments where you feel like you're "somewhere else"? Right back in that situation even if you know you're not? Do certain topics send you into a state of panic, like you felt at that time? Do you have dreams about this and have needed the influence of a Munna to sleep well?

Since I've been both hurt by a friend and hurt them in return, I can only offer you my personal opinion.

You have a right to be pissed, but the other person also does. It doesn't make what they did back to you right - only that the fact that it was an accident doesn't mean they're not allowed to be pissed off.

Is it your fault? Maybe. It's difficult to say without specifics. If you take responsibility and try to make things right... then maybe it's better. It's hard to say. What that person did is definitely worse, but I can see where they would think that you didn't take enough responsibility. That doesn't mean they're right from an objective standpoint, just from their personal one.

As for how to move forward... I'm trying to figure that out myself. If you've really done all you can do to make it up to the person, I don't know what else you can do. As for whether you 'deserve' to forgive yourself... I can't answer that for you.

[Rakka hasn't gone anonymous, mostly lending to the fact she doesn't know how. But this is something she doesn't particularly care about having her name attached to.]

Hi. I guess you've already got people giving your advice about this, but I guess I wanted to say something.
I think it is your fault, but also... isn't. I mean, not directly. It was an accident, even if it was started by being really mean towards the people you hurt.
But, that doesn't mean someone should try and get back at you in the worst way they can. Even if they think you deserve it, that doesn't feel right.

And forgiving yourself... is hard. But I know it starts with understanding what you did, but I think that's something only you can figure out.

[...now isn't that just the question.]

I don't know. I was told that I should talk about it and stop blaming myself but honestly? I don't know what forgiving myself entails. I tried to just forget about it and ignore and that made everything worse.

Your input is appreciated. I suppose the problem now is figuring out what the next step actually is. God knows this one was hard enough.

[...Maka? How would Dave's friend Maka, book club Maka, be able to describe it that accurately and truly and-]

Yes.
Why do you ask?

Well, with things like this it's a good rule of thumb to check on everyone's mental health here.

And you're not alone. It's called post traumatic stress disorder. It can present itself in a lot of different ways, but flashbacks and going into a "bad" mind at the remembrance of the topic is the most common one.

With that, and you asking about it in general, I get the impression that you've got more to contend with in the act of forgiving yourself and coming to terms with what happened. If you're comfortable with the idea and want to pursue it, I can help you with coping.

Edited (wrong word) 2016-02-29 20:12 (UTC)

What if I haven't done all I can to make up for it? What if it's impossible to now?
I want so much to make peace with this in whatever way I can, but if talking to my friend isn't something I can do anymore, then what?

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